Sanford was perplexed. He had parked his car somewhere, but in the sea of metal boxes it was hopelessly lost. He looked over the shimmering expanse outside Cheerwood Mall. It was a hot day, and the black asphalt soaked up the heat and blasted it back. He began to sweat.
The plan it seemed was to start in the center and work from there. Sanford was a lazy man who was brilliant at avoiding work. At work he was the Prince of Delays, where action items lay dormant until they were no longer action items, which was a secret that Sanford shared with no one. Through this strategy, it appeared at times that he was doing something when in actuality nothing had been done. Emailed missives on lessening unnecessary requests made it appear Sanford was thoughtful in his negligence.
Here he was, faced with a task that he wanted to avoid, but he steeled himself and stepped out from underneath the jutting shelter outside the entrance of the mall. He felt the nuclear radiance of the heat through the bottoms of his flattened flipflops.
He began down the center, thinking that he had been lucky and found a space near the front. His 2005 Honda Civic in Silver was nowhere to be found, but then again there was a lot of small silver cars parked in the lot, and they tended to blend together. Halfway down the aisle he decided this was fruitless and took a turn to the left, squeezing between the parked cars.
He looked up and down, and four cars down on the left he spotted his car. He was sure it was his, because it was only four cars away from where he was standing, and he didn’t feel like walking any more.
Sanford never locked the door on his car, because that took extra effort, and such was his efficiency. He opened the door, got into the drivers seat, and then hunted for his keys. They were always in his front pocket, but they weren’t there. He then realized that they must have fallen out where he tried on that pair of khakis at the Gap. He rolled his eyes. More effort!
He was careful this time to note where he hd left his car, and trudged back into the mall. The cool blast of air conditioning braced him. It felt great. He entered the mall and went up the escalator to the second floor. At last he was in the Gap. He looked in the changing room, and there they were on the floor. Excellent!
Leaving the store, he had to walk past the food court, so it was time for another round of free samples. He had a piece of mandarin chicken, a bite of marinated steak and part of a spring roll. He then bought a Cinnabon, sat down and ate the whole thing with enthusiasm. Traffic milled about, and Sanford was in no hurry to go back into the blast furnace outside.
After 45 minutes or so, he went back out to his car, and in its place was a Nissan Pathfinder. He was confused to be sure. Someone had stolen his car! He called 911. What Sanford didn't realize was that his car was actually two rows over. If he had looked at the rear bumper, he would have seen a sticker saying "My Child is a Honor Student at Dorchester High". He didn't have a child, or a girlfriend. He had tried one or the other but it was too much effort.
A policeman showed up 45 minutes later. He looked bored while listening to Sanford relate the tale of his car. It wasn’t a really long story, and the both of them were ready for it to end, but in different ways. Officer Santiago would get back in his car, turn the A/C on full blast, and start the process of filing the report. He was the opposite of Sanford, and actually got things done.
Sanford ended up ordering a Lyft, going back to his condo, and waiting to hear from the police. Meanwhile, his car sat in the parking lot at the mall, where it would continue to sit for three weeks. In the mean time someone would steal the license plate, a homeless person took up residence for several nights, and eventually the car was labelled a nuisance and towed away. Sanford didn’t have a clue what had happened, and true to form neglected to follow up because that would take effort. In the end, his car sat in a lot for a year, was eventually crushed.
A year later Sanford would be in Pier One Imports, shopping for a lamp. He spotted a lamp that was made from ersatz rusted metal, liked it and took it home. He imagined that the metal in that lamp was recycled metal of which his car had been part of. So, Sanford did get his car back, and minimal effort was expended.
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